Tired

I’m so tired. I’m tired of worrying, of planning, of competition, of satisfying the parents.  I’m tired of procrastinating. I’m tired of making conversation. I’m tired of avoiding one friend to keep another. I’m so tired.

I’m tired of uncertainty and the anxiety it causes. I’m tired of building a safety net. I’m tired of change. I’m just tired.

I’m tired of disappointments. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of trying so hard and not getting so far.  I’m tired of playing the game and losing. I’m tired.

Why nice guys finish last

Jerks always get the girls, while the nice guys lose out. Why?

Well, I have a theory. Girls like the challenge of bringing out the smallest nugget of a good heart in that so called “jerk.” Perhaps the glory of being able to conquer and tame that douche bag is what they are seeking. The best analogy I could come up with is that for women, turning a jerk into a nice guy is like taking away his virginity. He doesn’t necessarily have to be completely transformed into a nice guy though. All that matters at first is that he is gentle and loving toward that one girl(friend). That way, she gets all his attention while he turns away all other girls by being his typical jerk self.

Girls don’t necessarily fall for full out jerks. They fall for the jerk with a pinch of niceness on the inside, ready to be released by the girl of his dreams. She’s the only one who can unlock his true loving and caring heart. With this special ability, a girl feels as if she is making a difference in the life of that jerk. She feels as if she is giving back to the community and making the world a better place, by transforming the beast into a friendly pet animal, one step at a time.

Nice guys are left behind. With no challenge to be fought, a girl feels as if her own good heart isn’t being put to good use. What’s more, according to a theory popularized by Wong Fu Productions, it’s harder for a nice guy to give special treatment to a girl he truly likes, because he’s already nice to all the girls he meets. How is the girl supposed to know she’s different? A jerk on the other hand, only has to reveal his inner goodness to show a girl that she’s special, for she’s the only one who can change him for the better. Nice guys, where’s your ammo to compete?

A boyfriend is like a best friend

Keeping with the theme of analogies: a boyfriend is like a best friend. Doesn’t this sound like some timeless adage that you’ve heard before? “Your boyfriend should be like your best friend,” they say. This probably explains why a lot of people start out as friends first before becoming a couple.

There are several reasons why a boyfriend is like a best friend. The first reason often seen in those “Dear Abby” advice columns is that sometimes girls will ditch their own best friends for their new found boyfriend. Additionally, you two spend all your spare time together, you finish each others’ sentences, you can practically read each others’ minds, and you care a lot for each other. Whenever you are having a bad moment, you can rely on the best/boyfriend to cheer you up. Basically, you’re “inseparable.” The best/boyfriend is always there for you whenever you need him, and hopefully you trust each other. You share memorable moments together and have deep personal talks. You probably make sacrifices for each other and do favors without asking anything in return. Sounds pretty much like a best friend, right?

The part when the analogy breaks down is that you can say “BFF” or “Best Friends Forever,” but there’s no such thing a as a boyfriend forever.  It’s funny how the once inseparable boyfriend who resembled a best friend can all of a sudden vanish into thin air within seconds as if nothing was there to begin with. Funny is probably not the best word to use — maybe interesting would be better, but funny seems to lighten up the mood. If the relationship somehow doesn’t work out, the once boy/best friend is no longer there to hug you, to dry your tears, or to tell you everything will be okay. You’re all on your own unless you have a real best friend. Someone who is really there for you through thick and thin Forever.

After all, a boyfriend is only like a best friend, not actually a best friend, and the analogy stops there. Generally, boyfriends can be replaced, whether it’s in days or years. Best friends I’ve heard can last a lifetime, hence BFF. Boyfriends may stick around for a few weeks to a few years, but best friends never leave you (figuratively). In the long run, separate love from friendship and you can cover your back. Mix the two, and you leave yourself more vulnerable to pain and loneliness.

It seems like in our society, there’s only HF (Husband Forever) or nothing. But wait, even then, make sure you have the insurance of a best friend in case the big bad Divorce comes your way. However, assuming there were no harsh feelings or offenses that caused the break up, why can’t a boyfriend always be a friend, although not necessarily always a boyfriend? How hard are you willing to fight to keep your once best/boyfriend a friend? And even if you are willing to, would he let you? Would society let you? Would society let him let you?

To all of you out there who have best friends, cherish them. To all of you who are best friends, know that you are irreplaceable.

How do you measure a year?

Now that 2008 will be over in a few hours here on the West Coast, it feels appropriate to reflect on how “good” this past year was.  As we look back on 2008, many might say that this year was a “bad” year because of the financial crisis. Several jobs were lost, investment accounts dwindled, real estate dropped, savings disappeared, and century-old multinational firms went bankrupt. Many people would gladly wish to forget this year ever happened due to these unfortunate events.

However, I feel otherwise. To me, this year was unforgettable, because I choose to measure my year with love. This year has brought me so many new friends and memories that I would consider it one of the most life-changing years of my life. I was able to see my uncle in Las Vegas, my cousins in Canada, meet new people in Chicago, go on a case competition in Texas, visit my friends in New York, and cruise with my family to Mexico. I also went rock-climbing, white-water rafting, and karaokeing. Not to mention that over this past summer and my last semester at Berkeley, I have made friends that I will remember for a long time to come. To me, this year was a chance to explore and experience life in a whole new way. Each year is really what you make of it, and this one was special in its own way.

Measure your year in love. Happy New Year, everyone!

Achilles’ Heel

Want to know my Achilles’ heel? Maybe someday it’ll come in handy.

Graded participation. The bain bane of my existence. (haha, accidentally typed Bain because that’s my all time dream job. Just one extra little tidbit for you) I probably should have thought of that before I decided to major in Business – the one major where participation matters. Then again, I always like a challenge, and I always tend to get myself into areas that I’m weak in.

Why I get so anxious about participation, who knows. I have my theories, of course, but every single time I want to raise my hand to say something, my mind just blanks out. Sometimes the GSI (Graduate Student Instructor) will ask a question and I will have absolutely no thoughts come across me. It’s like a white sheet of paper…or a monk in deep zen meditation..like writer’s block except this is more like speech block. What’s worse is that I’m not even day dreaming or counting down the minutes until the end of class. I’m just sitting there with a mind numb. This tends to happen more often in those classes where participation matters the most (as in it’ll make or break your grade because the class is that competitive). Somehow the idea of “graded participation” really turns me off, and I just want to disobey for the heck of it. Yea, I’m such a rebel aren’t I.

Other times, what starts happening is I overthink every single detail. Say the GSI has a grading policy where you get 2 points for coming to class, 3 points for saying anything, 4 points for saying something good, and 5 points for saying something mind blowing. Well, every time I hear someone say something, I start evaluating how many points he/she should get for that comment, instead of thinking about the topic at hand or how I can respond to it. What fascinates me more is how a teacher can put a number on someone else’s contribution to the group. As far as I’m concerned, anytime a student says something, I consider it a valued comment. In fact, I admire the student for even having the courage to put up his/her hand and talk. I just can’t figure out how a GSI can go around and assign points to everyone based on a discussion section an hour and a half ago. How inaccurate and subjective would that be? Although if I never say a word, that’s an automatic 2 points right there, but what if the GSI mistook I for the person sitting next to me and accidentally assigned me points instead? Wouldn’t that be an unfair distribution? How lucky can I get by “stealing” the points from my next door neighbor? Well, as I ruminate about all these thoughts, the hour and a half sneaks past me and before I know it, class is over.

Potential reasons for these unfortunate thoughts~ (1) Procrastination. The truth is I’m deathly afraid of speaking up for fear of being judged as saying something stupid, so I’m just buying time by keeping my mind occupied. (2) I have some sort of atypical autistic disorder where I can’t focus on the social interactions at hand and my mind wanders off into thinking the thoughts of others (3) I think that some of the questions are so obvious and redundant that I can’t be bothered to answer. A rather arrogant perspective, I’d say. (4) Others have already made really good points, and I don’t feel like I could top what they said or have anything to add. (5) Self-Enhancement Theory (at least I think that’s what it’s called). I’m afraid of failure, so I create an excuse. Therefore, if I received a poor participation grade, it wasn’t because I was deemed to produce dumb or unworthy contributions, but rather because an extrinsic factor caused me not to participate at all.

Funny that I have so much to say about this now that I will never have a chance to “participate” in the traditional sense ever again. But no worries, there’s always the “real world” test.

One thing to keep in mind, “You’ll miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.”  If I happen to remember that, it just might be the antidote to my Achilles’ heel.

Pandora recharges me

Sometimes when I feel down or weary, all I have to do is turn to Pandora to feel a sense of rejuvenation. Pandora.com that is. It’s like plugging in to recharge my batteries. Whenever I’m low, all I do is recharge and I’m ready to go again. While caffeine in coffee and energy drinks work when you’re really tired from physical sleep deprivation, music is my energizer when I’m emotionally deprived. During those times, certain types of music (like Baroque or Techno) helps me to refocus my energies and concentrate on doing something that disagrees with my heart, but my head knows is good for me.

I guess this also applies to anything “for the soul” — like chicken soup. Relaxing vacations would do the trick too, but music is like that short-term fix for moments when you’re really in need for that extra boost.

Investing in the future

Every single time I’ve had a choice between two different job options, I’ve always taken the one with lower pay. Always, as in 100% of the time, and there have been three times. How long this trend will continue remains to be known. What is certain is that for the first few years of my career I will have to continue making this decision by turning down more lucrative job offers.

I know that some of my friends always go for the higher pay. It’s an easy decision for them. Take the job that is more selective and pays better. Really the future exit opportunities or actual job responsibilities don’t matter much. It is kind of assumed that a higher paying job would offer both of those. Although that can be true, I have been raised to think otherwise. The way I see it is that the higher paying jobs need to do so in order to attract the better candidates. They know they have fewer intangible rewards to offer, which is why they must offset that with the more attractive pay or signing bonus. But of course, it could also be likely that the job really is more challenging and offers better exit opps — it could depend on whether the jobs being compared are in industry or service or other.

Anyway, hopefully my “investment” in the future will pay off and it won’t be in vain. So far, I haven’t seen any real future benefits with taking a pay cut, except personal interests of getting more varied exposure and experiences.

The one upside is that by not focusing on working for the money, I may derive more personal satisfaction from my job. The reason I go to work won’t be for that extra dollar, and I won’t be counting the hours that I stay overtime. This is because the reason why I work is to learn and experience something different. Since the pay isn’t a real incentive to begin with, the money is immaterial.

ALMOST…

“Almost” will not be the story of my life. I cannot continue being the girl that almost:

- worked in consulting

- got pictures with the 2008 banner at graduation

- founded a startup

- went to UCLA

- beat the competition

- became a fluid piano player

- consistently shot 80s for golf

- became fluent in Chinese

I will not be the girl that almost:

- bought a condo in San Francisco

- achieved her dreams

Almost is not the story of my life. I cannot always be the girl that almost accomplished what she wanted…

Nostalgia…

I miss:

1) Riding on swings in the playground

2) Free periods in high school ;)

3) Nap time

4) Spending time with my parents every day and getting driven to school

5) Off-campus privileges as a high school senior

6) Formal dances (yes, believe it or not)

7) Long phone conversations with friends

8) Being single, and never having had a boyfriend, imagining “the perfect guy”

9) Riding my bike around the neighborhood

10) Times when no one looked at my transcript (besides my parents)

Life will never be the same. How is it that time always slips through our fingers?

Jumping off a cliff

What am I getting myself into? I feel as if I’ll be jumping off a cliff; I’ll be graduating from college in less than 3 weeks and taking off for a foreign country in about 3 months. Then I’ll be thrown into “the real world” by 9 months. It all seems too fast. Am I even ready?

Most of the time, I’ve tried to take pride in my immaturity – or “youth” as I’d like to refer to it as. I always look at least 7 years younger than my actual age. How can someone like me be ready to take on the world of adults or to go off on her own to a different country and fend for herself? I really have no idea, but only time will tell, and if I don’t try, I will never know.

This is an exciting time of change and growth. I feel as if I might be a different person in a very short time from now. I mean, how else am I supposed to take on those challenges? Will I actually act and look my age a year from now?

Well, I’ll need to open my eyes wide and take the plunge.