Not all sex is bad, but the more that a relationship revolves around sex, the higher the chances are that you will break up. The more that a relationship is centered around sex, the  more that fundamental personality compatibility leaves the picture.

Sometimes people focus so much on the sex — whether you get any or not, whether it’s good or bad, what you do and what you don’t do — that sometimes they forget about whether their significant other is actually right for them or not. There could be several other problems looming in the air that get ignored because of the priority that sex receives over all else. There could be other issues or disagreements that need to be discussed or resolved before sex can create another factor to worry about and further complicate the relationship. You can only use sex to procrastinate on resolving those issues for so long until the breakup finally arrives. And when it does, you may not know how to deal with it.

Break-up sex and make-up sex…they are both ways of turning to the animalistic side of humans and avoiding talking things through by logic and rationale. People often have trouble expressing themselves, and sex provides an easy way to cop-out of tough conversations. Men often have trouble expressing themselves in the first place, not to mention some women as well. Hence, they turn to sex as the language of intimacy. According to a New York City psychotherapist, ” Sex is the language men use to express their tender loving vulnerable side.” However, sex is not a replacement for language — at least not for women. This disparity may contribute to misunderstanding in the relationship. Needless to say, this can only exacerbate a relationship leading up to breakup.

Sex clouds your judgment. If the sex is good, you could be forcing yourself to stay with a person even though he/she may not be compatible with you. You may have problems existing or ahead of you, but you ignore those issues in order to keep the sex. If the sex is bad, you might blame it on the other party’s lack of ability instead of trying to work together on trying to make it better. If anything is wrong with the sex, you find a reason to be unhappy with the relationship, and you might forget about other values that may be more important than sex. If sex is non-existent, it no longer plays a part in creating or resolving arguments, in obscuring your logical reasoning, or in burying other problems. If one party wants to break up if there’s no sex, then you know right away that it wasn’t you he/she was after, it was just the sex.

If you are one of those lucky couples that feel problem-free (now that you have had all of them resolved), then just maybe you feel you are ready to introduce the new variable of sex. Remember, there is no guarantee that sex will not cloud your judgment later on in the relationship when other issues arise. However, there is a guarantee that other issues will arise, and the best way to avoid concentrating too much on sex and having it cloud your judgment is to avoid the sex if you want to keep the relationship centered on what it should be — on the personality compatiblity of you and him/her.

What happens after marriage then? No sex even then? Well, hopefully you’ve found enough that you love about each other outside of the bedroom that even sex (good or bad) will not take over that love. Once you have gone long enough without sex, you would have more assurance about your compatiblity with each other minus the variable of sex. Compatiblity is often subjective, but ideally you would also have built up enough ammo of strong communication skills and mutual understanding to battle the take over of sex. This preparation would most likely take longer than six months, and it may even take years. There is no set time period for this ammo to be built up, as every relationship is different. Some may be average, and others may be a few standard deviations above or below the mean. However, once you are ready to introduce sex, keep in mind it may also introduce a whole new slew of issues, and you must be confident that your compatibility outside of sex can overcome that, or else breakup is imminent.

Sometimes people don’t realize that even good sex can turn bad later down in a relationship. People get old; people lose their libidos. What happens then — do you breakup? get a divorce? take medication? or get some counseling to work on it? Granted for some people, the sex is always great, but for others, they aren’t so lucky. We all hope for the best that the sex will always stay amazing, but often in reality, we don’t always get what we want. When couples get are old and gray, perhaps sex is not what will be keeping them together, but the attachment and understanding they have developed for each other outside of their sex lives. You should vow to stay by each other’s side in sickness and in health, in joy and in sorrow, as well as through the good times sex and the bad.

May you have a healthy and happy relationship. No pressure.